Buttoned Up » Life Balance

Get happier: commit 5 acts of random organizational kindness

Sarah — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:33:58 +0000

As the dark, somewhat dreary days of winter drag on, it’s easy to fall into a funk. Get up, slog through the daily grind, eat, sleep, repeat. Fortunately that funk is both easy to avoid and, should you have already fallen prey to it, easy to shake. How? The answer is simple: help someone else cross something off of their list, just because.

Evidence from scientists in fields as varied as neuroscience, evolutionary psychology, and behavioral economics is mounting: altruistic acts are not only a fundamental fabric of our human communities, but they are also a surefire route to happiness and health. For example, Emory University neuroscientists James Rilling and Gregory Berns found that the act of helping another person triggers the same parts of your brain as self-gratification; so, when you help someone else, you get the same “reward,” neurologically speaking, as if you had done something to fulfill your own desires. Researcher Stephen Post says helping a neighbor, volunteering, or donating goods and services results in a “helper’s high,” and you get more health benefits than you would from exercise or quitting smoking. And researchers at Happiness360.org have found that committing random acts of kindness is strongly correlated with higher levels of happiness.

Because time is one thing most people wished they had more of, one of the kindest acts you could do for another is to help cross something off of an already overstuffed to-do list. We’ve adapted these from our February #GetButtonedUp Challenge (if you haven’t joined in – it’s not too late – just click on the Challenge link, comment to join and start checking in on Facebook).

In addition to the aforementioned health and happiness benefits, we’ll bet you’ll gain another benefit too: motivation to tackle some of your own organizational to-do’s. We humans have a tendency to perceive them as much harder and more time-intensive than they actually are. By volunteering to tackle an organizational task for another you’ll be reminded of how much easier it was to deal with than you had made it out to be in your head.

1. Organize Someone Else’s Closet.

There are few organizational tasks as visually transformative as cleaning out a closet. In a relatively short period of time, you can take one from total disaster to pretty neat, and the benefits can be enjoyed every day for weeks on end. So, if you’re married, clean out your spouse’s closet. If you’re not, treat your best friend, a parent, or a sibling. Have fun with it; try to incorporate the element of surprise if you can. For quick tips on how to make a dent in short order, watch this video.

2. Reach Out and Babysit for a Stressed Mom Friend or Relative.

Motherhood is hard, hard work. Moms need, but don’t often get, enough time to decompress and relax – especially moms with young children. Schedule time to babysit for a mom you know that could use a little “me” time. While you’re babysitting, do a load of laundry for her and you’ll give (and get) an added dose of happiness.

3. Detoxify a Friend’s Car.

Most people we know have cars that could use a little TLC. When life is hectic, picking up that water bottle rolling around on the floor of the back seat often falls to the bottom of the priority list. Give a colleague or friend a certificate to a local car wash just because. Or surprise your spouse, sibling, or parent by giving their car a deep clean by yourself.

4. Run an Errand for Someone Harried.

Time: nobody has enough of it. Lend a hand in a way that gives somebody more of this precious commodity. Take an errand off of their hands: whether it’s something small, like picking up dry cleaning or making a phone call for them – or something bigger, like doing a grocery run, you will absolutely make their day…and yours too.

5. Help Someone Map Out a Plan to Achieve a Goal.

We all typically start off the year with good intentions, but by now at least two-thirds have ditched their resolutions. Be the planning guru for a friend or family member. Grab a few of these free printable goal sheets and help them break their big goal down into smaller steps, schedule them, and plan ahead for ways to get back on track if they get distracted or fall off course.

9 immutable laws of time management

Sarah — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:55:41 +0000

1. In anything, 20% of tasks are critical, 80% are trivial.

Of all the things most people do, most really aren’t that important. Sure, being busy may feel like progress, but it’s important not to confuse activity with progress. Time management masters take the time to identify which tasks on their list are truly critical and focus their attention there. The benefit: they get a lot farther, faster. Of course, to know what tasks are important, you have to be clear on your goals. Buttoned Up has two free goal list printables for getting clarity on that front. Organize multiple goals within a big picture with this printable and use this printable to reach individual goals.

2. Delegating is the only way to get more done in less time.

By enabling others to take on some of the work load, you’ll not only have more time to focus on what really matters (see law #1), but you’ll also give them the opportunity to stretch their full potential as well. Learn more about the art of delegation (LINK: http://getbuttonedup.com/2009/02/11/the-art-of-delegation/).

3. Inertia is a powerful force.

Starting something is the most difficult part of any project, particularly big ones. Your brain may come up with lots of excuses as to why something is too difficult to tackle now, #1 being: I don’t have enough time to get to that right now. Fortunately overcoming project or task inertia is easy. First, break the bigger task into smaller parts. Then, simply grab an egg timer and set it for 10 minutes. Go! It doesn’t matter how much you get done in those ten minutes, but you will have started – and once momentum is on your side, it is much more likely to stay there.

4. Work will fill up whatever time you have allotted for it.

This statement is otherwise known as Parkinson’s Law. Working with simple and clear deadlines forces you to focus your attention on getting the essentials of the task done. When you give yourself too much time to do something, you tend to make a mountain out of a molehill (and suffer all the anxiety that goes along with having a big, looming task hanging over your head). If you are struggling with this concept, ask yourself the question, “If I had to complete my most pressing project in half the time, how would I do it?”

5. Multi-tasking impairs intelligence (& tanks your efficiency).

Researchers at the University of Michigan have shown that multitaskers actually take longer to finish tasks than those who did each task sequentially. That’s because our brains work sequentially. Instead of doing two tasks at once, the brain actually toggles between whatever tasks are under way. Other studies at top-tier institutions like UCLA have shown switching between tasks impairs our ability to learn and even impairs our IQ more than smoking marijuana. Bottom line: multi-tasking is a giant waste of time.

6. Nothing goes according to plan.

Arnold Bennett said it best, “A first-rate organizer is never in a hurry. She is never late. She always keeps up her sleeve a margin for the unexpected.” The unexpected WILL happen. Kids get sick. Websites crash. Skilled time managers know this and build time into every day for dealing with unexpected, unforeseeable issues.

7. What you write down – and schedule – gets done.

Parkinson’s Law (#4) has a corollary: if you haven’t allotted any time to complete something you can bet that your empty time slot will be filled with crap or whatever seems most urgent. Have a basic plan for your day, and actually go so far as to schedule critical tasks so that they get crossed off your list.

8. Every person has a “prime time.”

Some people have much more energy first thing in the morning. Others find their levels of energy and ability to concentrate peak in the mid-afternoon. Understand your personal rhythms and schedule tasks that require the most effort and energy during that optimal “prime time” window.

9. Batteries run out.

Human beings need to take time to recharge. A relentless schedule that does not allow for a break from the stress impacts everything from our cardiovascular health to our weight, our ability to learn, our mood, our creativity levels and even our immune systems. Build in time each day, each week, each month, and each year to take care of yourself and renew your energy. Skipping things like exercise may seem like a more efficient thing to do, but it really makes you less efficient.

Are you a skilled time manager or do you struggle with it? What (if any) “law” do you break most often?

Join in the February #GetButtonedUp Challenge!

Sarah — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 17:50:10 +0000

It’s time to get your love buttoned up!

February is all about the heart. Not only does Valentine’s Day fall smack, dab in the middle of the month, but it’s also “American Heart Month” and therefore time to take care of that all important organ. With this theme in mind, we’ve put together another great monthly challenge for you!

By the end of this challenge, you will:

Actually have enjoyed Valentine’s Day because you were prepared for it!
Be ready to remember every important day (birthdays, anniversaries, etc) in the lives of your loved ones in 2012.
Have taken concrete steps to care for your health.
Actually have figured out how to carve out (and enjoy) some me time.

And much, much more!

How the February #GetButtonedUp Challenge Will Work

Each day during the month of February we have a specific organizational task for you to complete. Download the 29 day calendar by clicking on the link below.

Get Buttoned Up Challenge – February

When you complete the task, let the buttoned up team know your status by commenting on the Facebook check-in post for that day and either email or Tweet the picture of your completed task. We will enter anyone who has completed all 29 days of the challenge successfully into a grand prize drawing. All winners will be selected using random.org.

Participating in the #GetButtonedUp Challenge is as easy as 1-2-3:

Let us know you’re in by commenting on this post below AND by heading over to Facebook to comment under the post about being a part of the February Challenge.
Letting us know you completed your daily task by commenting on the Facebook GetButtonedUp Challenge Check-In post each day
Sending a picture of your completed task to Sarah – via email sarah @ getbuttonedup dot com OR via TwitPic to @SarahButtonedUp & using the #getbuttonedup hashtag.

Grand Prize

Grand Prize: $100 donation to the charity of your choice in your name
2 Runner Up Prizes: $50 donation to the charity of your choice in your name

Join In By Commenting Below!

NOTE: All are welcome to join in the challenge.

4 Ways to break productivity-torpedoing digital habits

Sarah — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:08:04 +0000

A few years ago, Disney Pixar released the movie Up. It’s a sweet little film about a rather crotchety old widower and a young scout who accidentally end up on an adventure together. Not long after they touch down in a far-off land they are greeted by a dog named Dug. He’s a loveable golden retriever who bounds affectionately into their arms and then shocks them both when he speaks English via a special collar translator worn around his neck. The only trouble is, he often interrupts what he’s saying mid-sentence, shouts “squirrel,” and points for a second or two.

In a lot of ways, we humans are a lot like cute, furry Dug. Only our “squirrels” are the bings and buzzes emanating from our digital devices. One minute we’re working productively on something, but the second our phone vibrates, we will drop everything and turn to it…squirrel!

These constant interruptions literally torpedo our productivity. It is estimated the average person wastes 2 hours/day on email, 40 minutes/day on Facebook, 12 minutes/day on Twitter, 10 minutes/day on LinkedIn – and an additional 96 minutes/day switching back and forth between tasks. That means all of our squirrel chasing is costing each of us about 22.5 hours in lost productivity a week. That’s a staggering amount!

Why are we “addicted” to our phones, email, and other e-communications?

There are two big reasons why we feel compelled to incessantly check our phones, emails, facebook pages, twitter accounts, and the like.

The first is because there is a powerful conditioning loop at work. Our digital devices often “reward” us with feelings of belonging and significance when we respond to them; that email from mom, the high-five from a boss, they make us feel good. These two emotions are paramount to humans. If we were rats, they would be our cheese. When a stimuli, like an email ping, is paired with a powerful reward and then delivered at unpredictable intervals, just as happens with our digital devices, we will literally become addicted to the behavior associated with getting the powerful reward. In this case that means we literally can’t resist the urge to check email or grab our phones when they beep at us.

The second reason we’re addicted is because of a little human trait social scientists call reciprocity, or the compulsion to respond in kind to others. It is a trait that enables individuals to make contributions to the larger social group without worrying they are losing out. We are all taught from a very young age to return favors, lest we be shunned as an ingrate. Guess what, it applies to communications too. One social scientist, Professor Robert Cialdini, actually conducted an experiment a few decades ago in which he sent holiday greeting cards to a few hundred people he chose at random from the AZ white pages. Low and behold, he was soon inundated with holiday cards from them, even though they had no idea who he was. You see, our compulsion to respond is hard-wired.

4 strategies for overcoming your compulsion

Although the pull to drop everything and respond is strong, we are not at the mercy of our digital devices. Here are four, relatively simple strategies for resisting their siren call.

1. Reduce the intrusiveness of the stimuli.

Since the stimuli trigger a conditioning loop most of us are unable to resist, one of the most effective things you can do is reduce the intrusiveness of the stimuli when you need to focus on something. That means, turning off all alerts, buzzes, dings, pop-ups that could distract you from your work at hand. If you have a Mac, you can also “hide” your dock while you are working on something, so you won’t see any visual indicators that you have mail. We recommend turning them off for good because you don’t ever really need to be at their mercy.

2. Remove the reward dispensers from your environment (temporarily).

There are programs, like Freedom, and Concentrate that enable you to lock yourself out of “rewarding” programs like email social media sites when you need to really focus on a task. The programs are $10 and $29 respectively, but worth their weight in gold. Using them elevates you from rat in a cage being conditioned by external forces to that of the scientist who is actually doing the conditioning.

3. Reward yourself for good behavior.

Use the powerful emotional rewards of significance and belonging to strengthen new, more productive behavior. For example, if you currently respond to every email, text, etc. the second it comes in, try rewarding yourself with a peek at those emails after you finish a task successfully.

4. Send fewer emails/texts and make what you do send brief and to the point.

Did you know that you can use the power of reciprocity to actually curtail the amount of email you receive? Consider this, Kim Davis, a woman we interviewed for our book Pretty Neat, tried a little experiment. She added a signature line to all of her emails that simply said, “Please keep our email boxes uncluttered, only reply all if it is critical everyone receives your reply.” She immediately noticed a drop in reply all clutter in her inbox. She also noticed others in her department, and then in other departments, adopting her signature line as well. In that spirit, if you send fewer emails, you will receive fewer emails. And if you make a point of sending brief, concise emails, you are more likely to get that same kind of missive in return. Make reciprocity work for you, not against you.

Do you have these four areas buttoned up? If not, which of these areas do you struggle with? Have you ever tried a program like Concentrate or Freedom?

23 tips for starting fresh in 2012

Sarah — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 12:34:11 +0000

The statistics on setting New Year’s resolutions are pretty dismal. Most people won’t make it to the end of the month, let alone the end of the year. In fact, we’ve heard that as few as 2% of resolution-setters actually achieve their goals by year’s-end. Making a change stick is hard work. But it is possible.

No matter what your goals are for the year ahead, we want to help you achieve them. Organize yourself for success with these helpful tips.

1. Take time to evaluate 2011.

Consider the things that went well for you last year as well as the things that didn’t. Make a list of each. Take a moment or two to consider why you were successful or not. In addition, take a moment to celebrate your successes.

2. Ask yourself: “what lessons can I extract from my previous failures?”

I recently posted about the power of a failure wall. As one reader commented on Facebook, “often what we consider huge failures in our minds actually were great learning experiences and have brought us to where we are today – almost a backwards confidence booster.” Take the time to articulate the lessons learned from the stumbles you took last year. The wisdom you gained from making them will serve you well in the year ahead.

3. Get a notebook and write down your goals.

When you physically write something down, the few minutes that it takes for you to review and think about what you are trying to learn is the minimum length of time that neuroscientists believe is necessary to allow thought to go into a lasting, more easily retrievable memory. It also helps you focus your attention and keep track of where you are. Cement your goals by writing them down.

4. Forget about yesterday, last week, last year.

All that matters is what you do in this moment. Don’t paint yourself into a corner as a “failure,” because it is not a permanent state.

5. Start each day with a commitment to your goal(s).

Keep your goals in a spot where you can see and review them at the start of every day. I like to keep a laminated copy taped to the inside front of my to-do notebook, which I look at as soon as I sit down at my desk each day. I know Alicia keeps hers in the drawer of her bedside table and goes over her goals before she even gets out of bed for the day.

6. Script your moves for the first 30 days.

Shifting momentum is often the most difficult part of making a fresh start. Make it easier on yourself by assigning one to-do for each day of the first month so all you have to do is follow the path you’ve already charted.

7. Start small.

As Jonatan Martensson said, “Success will never be a big step in the future, success is a small step taken just now.” Even if it’s just exercising or decluttering for 5 minutes, the important thing is that you start.

8. Make one goal for each week.

Break your big goal into 4 weekly goals for each month. Then forget about the big goal and simply focus on the bite-sized one you need to achieve this week.

9. Plan to Fail.

That sounds depressing, but it’s not. Nobody is perfect. The key to success is expecting failure…and planning ways to bounce back from it. Consider your “weak spots,” like getting out of a warm and cozy bed early. Then brainstorm ways to overcome them, such as going to bed in your workout clothes or investing in a Clocky (that alarm clock that runs away from you).

10. Try some if/then statements.

Psychology researchers from NYU have verified the power of simple if/then statements in getting people to follow through on their intentions. For example, if weight loss is your goal, repeat a statement like, “if I go to a restaurant tonight for dinner, then I will order a salad,” to yourself. You might just surprise yourself when you order a salad as if on autopilot.

11. Stoke your emotional attachment to your goals.

Cut out quotes and images, keep a Pinboard (if you need an invite, just email sarah at getbuttonedup dot com and she will get you one). Keep them handy so that when you are tempted, you can look at something and immediately feel a strong sense of connection to your end goal.

12. Measure your progress.

Pick one or two metrics to measure and keep track of your progress every, single day. Look back at your progress each week and month and celebrate!

13. Make a public statement.

There’s nothing like committing to a goal publicly to keep you honest. Post on your facebook wall, send an email to friends and family, or tell all of your colleagues what you are going to accomplish, by when. Encourage them to check in on you and heckle you if you are not living up to your end of the bargain.

14. Get an accountability buddy or community.

We all need one person who can hold our feet to the fire. If all of your friends and family are pushovers, hire a coach or trainer instead. Or consider joining or creating a Meetup group that will accomplish the same thing.

15. Keep a daily gratitude list.

When you are filled with appreciation for what you have, your mental state shifts dramatically in a positive direction. Start each day by noting all the people and things in your life you are grateful for and take note of how the tone of your days improves.

16. Pat yourself on the back once a week.

It can be easy to get swept up in busyness. But celebrating your progress each week is critical to staying on track. Take 5 minutes every Friday afternoon or Sunday evening and write down at least 3 things you did (or learned) that brought you closer to your intended goal.

17. Reframe what it means to fail.

A teacher once told Sarah that the only way to fail was not to learn. It transformed how she looked at her progress. If you fall down, pick yourself up and ask yourself what you can learn from the experience. Learn how you can prevent the same thing from happening in the future.

18. Stop the comparisons.

Goals are personal. Don’t compare yourself or your rate of progress to anyone else. Focus instead on doing the best you can do today.

19. Sign up for a challenge.

There is something about working towards a big challenge that keeps you focused and on track. Find a relevant one to you and sign up.

20. Reward your self-control.

Keep a little sticker or star chart going for yourself on an index card you can keep your wallet. Every time you exercise self-control as it relates to your goal, give yourself a star. Each time you hit a certain number of stars, say 10, reward yourself with something like a manicure or a yummy smoothie.

21. Find someone successful to imitate.

As Anthony Robbins says, “success leaves clues.” You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Speed up your progress by modeling the program of someone who has been successful in the area in which you wish to succeed.

22. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Repeating tasks is the way to mastery. You should repeat one or two of the same tasks that are crucial to the change you want to make each and every week. Before you know it you will be able to do them on autopilot.

23. Be still once a day.

If you have had a good day, consider this an opportunity to energize yourself and tap into your insight and creativity. If you haven’t had a good day, a quiet moment serves as a fresh start. Clear your mind, clean your slate, and begin again.

What are you committed to changing this year? In what ways do you like to start fresh?

Genius idea: a failure wall

Sarah — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 10:32:58 +0000

Last week I stumbled upon a wonderful post on Harvard Business Review blogs (yes, I am a giant nerd) titled: Why I Hire People Who Fail.

In the post the author reminded readers of something we all know to be true – that failures teach us more than successes because we are forced to look back and figure out exactly what happened. He then explained how he created a wall for memorializing failures, and the lessons learned from them, in his office conference room.

It got me thinking.

As a parent really want to teach my kids to embrace failure as one of life’s greatest teachers. My oldest is a bit of a perfectionist, a trait that he probably inherited from me. I didn’t really grasp the potential of failure to teach until I was well into adulthood. I grew up sweeping my failures under the carpet with embarrassment and shame. I don’t want my children to waste precious learning opportunities doing what I did.

Plus I want them to understand the concept of imperfection to their toes – and embrace it wholeheartedly.

So I am thinking of creating a little failure wall of our own at home too. A place where dad, mom, and eventually the boys, can post our failures publicly and share the hard-earned wisdom gained from the experience. It’s a powerful visual reminder that success comes from picking yourself up after you fall and try, try, trying again.

{Brilliant #fail main image via: 1x.com/photos}

I’m curious what you think about this idea. Let me know if you would ever have the courage to do it at work…or at home.

How Big is Your Organizational But?

Sarah — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 13:10:44 +0000

How Big is Your Organizational But?

Does this file folder make my butt look big? No, we’re not talking about that butt. We mean the other kind: “I really need to do XYZ, but…..” These buts come in all different shapes and sizes too. We’ve heard them all, from: “but…I need more time” to “but…I don’t have the resources” and of course, the good old “but…I just can’t seem to get my husband and kids on board.” These excuses are used often by all of us. We’re not innocent either. We’ve both given excuses more times than we’d like to admit as to why we’re not able to get to that project or pile in the garage.

Sarah on “perception vs. reality”

“I like to think I’m pretty organized but there are definitely certain things that I have put off indefinitely because I tell myself I don’t have the time or energy to deal with them. For example, I have a few boxes of things from my grandmother that are taking up space in our garage. I’m supposed to sort through them and pick out what I want to keep, but I convinced that it would take a lot of time and effort to do, so I kept putting it off. Finally, two weekends ago I forced myself to tackle it as the boys played in the yard. Guess what? It took a lot less time than I anticipated. I need to remember that my perception is sometimes off and the reality is that things take less time than I expect.”

Alicia on “the avoidance game”

“Most people are terrific about staying on track when it comes to crossing things off their lists that they enjoy doing. However, when it comes to tackling tasks that you dislike, it’s very common to let them fall by the wayside. There are two tricks that I use on myself to overcome this tendency. The first: I take a minute or two to focus on why it is important to do the dreaded task. I think about all of the good things that will come about if I just do it and the negative consequences that will come about if I fail to do it. The second trick I use is to pair it with something on my list that I really want to do. I tell myself that as soon as I finish the dreaded chore, I get to reward myself with the project I really want to take on. Both have worked wonders for me over the years.”
Here are some additional tips for helping you overcome your excuses and trim your organizational but:

1. Make it a Habit.

If you hate doing a “repeat” chore, like the laundry, try establishing a specific day and time that you will always tackle it. Then hold yourself accountable for sticking to your schedule for one month. After one month, doing it on the allotted day at the allotted time will have become second nature, a habit. And once something is a habit, you are much less likely to put it off with a “but.”

2. Make Yourself Accountable.

Rather than just catching up on the latest gossip, use your next coffee date with a pal as a chance to be held accountable for tackling something. Share a task you’ve been putting off with each other and then agree to an incentive that will keep you honest. For example, if you’ve been putting off donating the toddler toys and you fail to do it by your next coffee date, you owe your friend $25. It’s important that the incentive be large enough that it would be painful to have to make good on it.

3. Just Do It.

It turns out Nike really did have something figured out with that slogan. You’ll spend more time talking yourself out of doing something than you will actually doing it. So like Sarah did with her garage, just get out of your head and jump feet first into the project. If you’re stuck, grab an egg timer, set it for 20 minutes and go.

4. Motivate with A Why.

Put together a mental list of all of the good things that will come from taking action. Cleaning out your attic? Think of all of the people you’ll be helping with your donations, picture the extra space you’ll now have to turn into a sewing room/work space for your teen, feel how liberating it is to be free of that task. The more you focus on the positive outcomes, the more likely you are to get up and do it.

What is your biggest ‘organizational but’? What gets you motivated? Let us know!

What the military can teach us about organization

Sarah — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 15:33:11 +0000

Today we salute the incredible men and women who have bravely served our country. As we do, let’s also consider the powerful lessons the military teaches us about getting organized.

Teamwork

From their first day in boot camp, recruits become members of a unit. In training, it doesn’t matter who crosses a finish line first or who crosses it last; it matters that everyone crosses. Part and parcel of teamwork is the understanding that you are only as good as the weakest link in your platoon. So members cheer each other on and support one another as they are put through their grueling paces.

The concept of teamwork has the potential to radically improve both your work environment and your family unit. Consider asking how you can encourage and support your team members — and how you might lean on them to help you in areas where you are not as strong.

Respect

Each massive branch of the military functions as one, single team. They can do so because everybody from top to bottom understands that each member has something to contribute.

Do you let others around you contribute enough? Or are you limiting yourself and everyone around you by trying to control how tasks are done.

Duty

Every person in the military must fulfill their obligations within the context of a highly complex operation. The military progresses by building one assignment onto another, but it wouldn’t get very far at all if individuals in the chain failed to carry out their assigned tasks or took shortcuts that undermined the integrity of the final product.

In that spirit, the military drills its recruits over and over again in the basic skills like pressing uniforms, making a bed, and keeping a pristine locker. Soldiers have to do each task just right, and they often have to do them in a matter of minutes.

These drills aren’t done capriciously. They ultimately over time develop a soldier’s discipline and attention to even the smallest details. In addition, it enables many men to comfortably live in a confined space – and keeps their space clean so they can focus on more important matters.

These lessons are absolutely applicable to civilians. Establish habits and routines for dealing with the details that, if left undone would distract and undermine your confidence.

I’m sure there are many more “buttoned up” lessons we could take away from the military. If you have any, please share them with us!

We owe each Veteran (and their family members) an enormous debt of gratitude. From everyone here on the Buttoned Up team – thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Do you say yes when you really mean no? (Pssst: it’s innate, but you can overcome it)

Sarah — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 13:21:41 +0000

Josh Billings really hit the nail on the head when he wrote, “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”

At no time of year is the wisdom in that statement more evident than in the period from the end of October through the end of December. Between school related fetes, company parties, and gatherings of friends and family, it’s very easy for your dance card to become over-filled. When you pile on additional requests, like baking cookies for a child’s class, going in on a group gift (or five) for random colleagues and acquaintances, it’s easy to see how you could end up on December 31 feeling exhausted, broke, and well, maybe even taken advantage of if your default response to incoming requests is “yes.”

Our built-in need for reciprocity

Believe it or not, saying no to requests does not come naturally to human beings. Noted archaeologists, anthropologists and social scientists have all demonstrated in different ways that humans are simply hard-wired to reciprocate. It stems from our early ancestors, who learned to share food and skills, and eventually divide up labor and exchange a variety of goods and services.

A web of indebtedness served a critical function: it meant that one person could give something to another without the feeling that it had been lost. Without that sense, an individual had no reason to contribute something of value to the group, and no significant advancements would have been possible.

So, you see, far from being a bad thing, that sense of obligation you get when someone makes a request is actually central to our advantage as a species and ingrained in our cultural norms for millennia. We all go to great lengths to avoid being called a mooch, a freeloader, or an ingrate for good reason.

Of course, there are other factors that increase our likelihood of saying yes, such as a lack of clarity around your own goals & objectives, a desire to avoid confrontation, as well as your age. The younger you are, the less likely you are to have grasped the hard-earned wisdom of saying no. But the big one is reciprocity. It explains why we feel the pull of cultural norms (e.g. desire to avoid being labeled a shrew or an ingrate) and why there is such a strong, positive, some might say addictive, feedback loop when you say yes.

How to put a little NO back in your NOvember this year.

So if saying yes to requests is innate, how do you overcome the tendency without falling prey to the negative side effects of saying no? Well, as we were writing our last book, Pretty Neat, Alicia and I studied the tactics of the most experienced group of “nay-sayers.” Who were they? They were people over the age of 45 who had learned how to say no with grace only after experiencing the pain of over-commitment.

Below are three of their brilliant strategies they employ along with descriptions of how you might use them to maintain control over your calendar as the Holiday Season ramps up.

1. Beg for time. Swap your “sure, no problem” for “that sounds really interesting; let me think about it and get back to you with an answer.” Then use the time to determine whether or not you want to accept the request. For party-related requests, instead of a knee-jerk “we’ll be there!” try, “that sounds like it will be lots of fun! When do you need an RSVP by?” Then in the low-pressure environment of your own home, you can determine whether or not you really want to attend.

2. Have a few scripts at the ready. Sometimes it’s easier to have a canned response than to figure out how to respond appropriately in the moment. Since every person is unique and every situation different, it makes sense to have a few different scripts at the ready. My personal favorite “no” script for event invitations is, “Oh, my heart says yes, but sadly my calendar says no.” For over additional scripts, check out the iNo app – for $0.99 it has over a thousand nice & not-so-nice ways to say no to incoming requests.

3. Focus on finding a compromise. Sometimes the best way to deliver a no is to suggest an alternative. Try offering to do something else or suggest an alternative due date that will make both you and the other person happy. This is something that works really when it comes to the pressure to participate in a group gift at work. When asked to throw in money for a gift say, “Rather than spending a ten bucks here & there on random gifts that none of use will ever really use, why don’t we link arms and give a really great group gift to an organization that helps families in need this time of year?”

How about you? What strategies have you devised to say no gracefully that have worked?

Why we need to slow down: a taxi driver’s powerful story

Sarah — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 11:02:58 +0000

The Cab Ride I’ll Never Forget by Kent Nerburn

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One time I arrived in the middle of the night for a pick up at a building that was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked.

“Just a minute,” answered a frail, elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80′s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase.

The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing,” I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.

It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers.”

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life. We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware—beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

———-

What great moments have you missed (or will you miss) because you are moving at such a frantic pace you just don’t see them?

I just completed a talk on digital overwhelm yesterday and this story hammered home to me why it is so important for us to kick those habits that keep us addicted to immediacy, constantly scanning the horizon for what’s next – and missing the beauty of what is often in front of us right now.

This story was posted on GetButtonedUp with the kind permission of the author, Kent Nerburn. It is adapted from his beautiful book “Make me an Instrument of Your Peace.” He offers this insightful commentary on the taxi story here, on his blog.