Organizing 911: what to do if your significant other is a slob!
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It’s a well-known fact that opposites attract. So don’t be surprised when you find that your significant other’s organizational habits are, shall we say, less than perfectly matched with yours! Chances are, you’ll overlook their untidy habits in the early days – or at least to think – “I can change that…” But then, there you are, five years later, up to your ears in some mess, desperate for a way to teach them once and for all how to clean up after themselves.
Sarah on “tornado chasing”
My husband and I are complimentary opposites – he always jokes that I help him do more and he helps me do less. When it comes to keeping the house neat, let’s just say it’s not always easy – or his top priority. He’s got what he calls “tornados” that follow him around, leaving little mounds of dirty laundry, papers and gadgets in his wake (and yes, he says that with a straight face!!). It’s hard to chastise him when given such a clever, creative excuse – but at 8:08 am when we’re racing to get out the door and he can’t find his office keys, it’s definitely not so cute!
Alicia on “yin and yang”
Life would be boring if we were all identical in nature. There are benefits to sharing space with a person who has different tolerance levels to orderliness than you do. Unfortunately, we haven’t been trained to celebrate those differences and “meet in the middle.” Too often, the neat nick takes on all the responsibility of keeping a shared space tidy, which can lead to pent up frustration (not to mention a martyr complex) that’s not good for anybody. It’s difficult to work to find a healthy balance that gives messier types some breathing room and tidier types a sense of order, but it’s worth figuring out.
We’ve got three tips for finding better balance:
#1: Ditch The Nag
Be clear: nagging is not a motivating concept. It makes the nag feel negative and harpy and the person being nagged feel guilty and under attack. You’re never going to magically turn your slob into a neat freak with negative reinforcement. To get them to stay a step ahead of frenzy, your messy mate will need to associate positive benefits with both the outcome, and probably more importantly, the process. So stop yourself before you criticize and complain. Instead use words of positive encouragement and think of ways to focus their attention on the enjoyable aspects of getting and staying organized. The old adage is right; you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
#2: Set Aside “De-Tornado” Time (yes, it’s a verb) Once A Week
Recognize that there is likely to be an ebb and flow in your significant other’s level of organization. Allow room for a little messiness during the week but put limits on how far it can go. By instituting a one hour window every week for cleaning up “tornados” from the previous week, you’ll accomplish both tasks. You’ll probably be pleasantly surprised at how effortlessly this little ritual becomes habitual.
#3: Quid Pro Quo
Literally, quid pro quo means “this for that” in Latin. When it comes to getting your loved one to alter their bad habits, you should consider altering one of your less than charming habits in return. Ask your mate what foibles he/she would appreciate if you worked on in return for their efforts to get more organized. As each of you work on your weakness, you’ll have more compassion for the other’s, and at the end of the day you’ll both end up in a place that’s far better than when you started.
7 Responses to “Organizing 911: what to do if your significant other is a slob!”
i’m the slob in the relationship
that’s why i need all the help i can get in getting organized! at least i can recognize that change is needed 
Good post! I’ll have to give # 2 and 3 a try.
Wow! I really like these tips. I’m generally the one in our house who is the cleaner. My wife does some stuff to clean up, and she’s sometimes the “tornado.” I appreciate the tip on dropping the martyr complex…in the words of an afternoon TV psychiatrist, that route hasn’t been “workin’ for me.” I think tip #3 is great! Every one has blind spots that need to be worked on in our lives. I think it’s a good practice, if both parties can agree.
Thanks for the article!
Love this article! I can attest that #3 definitely works. My fiancé and I have come to a great arrangement- I do all cooking (when I have time) and he cleans up the kitchen & dishes. He loves when I cook, and I hate a messy kitchen, so we are both happy and living in a little less mess.
Hey Kathleen,
I am the messy one in the house most times too. Dishes and laundry are the culprit on 99.9 percent of our arguments. However, we always say that if housework is the worst of our problems, then we are a pretty lucky couple!
Here’s what has worked best for us- think of picking up as a respectful courtesy to your family. While it will never be “fun” for you (oddly, Brett finds cleaning theraputic and enjoyable- I will never feel that way while vacuuming) you have to approach it with the mindset that you are helping each other out.
We have definitely found that the more we “Team Up” on projects and cleaning, the more productive, organized, and happy we are with our home and each other.
Hope this helps!
-Ashleigh
Cleaning, organization, de-cluttering, straightening up, going through boxes upon boxes of junk just are not in DH’s vocabulary. He honestly could care less. It makes it difficult to deal with at times. I’m not a neatnik, in fact I’m a clutterbug myself, but I do like to have a handle on things.
I love the idea of Quid Pro Quo, but DH would invariably choose something I don’t want to change (like singing in the grocery store, which he finds terribly embarassing!)